Thursday, July 2, 2009

Something Naughty I did to Mandy: A Craigslist Call for Proposals

Being the wonderful friend I am, and because Mandy kept talking about creating a 3-point presentation to give to potential suitors, I wrote the following and posted it on craigslist missed connections. I received many, many glorious responses, vetted them for Mandy and sent her out on dates, which you will hear about as they happen. <3 Kelly

This is what started it all:

A three point presentation on why Amanda would make the best gf ever.

In the fine spirit of camaraderie, I want to introduce everyone to your dream girl: Amanda. She is bangin, basically in every way. I would totally rail her myself, but I’m also a girl and we’re not into that. Well, maybe, but there would have to be a dude involved. A very hot dude. But, I digress…

So Amanda. She is gorgeous, tall, and brunette, in crazy amazing shape—runs every day. She is fun and funny and totally adorable, but for some reason she isn’t getting it on the regular. I have no idea why; she should be rolling five deep.

Being the children of corporate America that we are, I thought the best way to appeal to our target demographic is through a 3-point presentation on why she would make the best girlfriend ever. In the interest of time and efficiency, there is a conclusion statement at the bottom of each point that summarizes the key themes of the post.

If you are smart, funny and successful, between the ages of 24 and 32, I strongly encourage you to seriously consider the following:

1) Low Maintenance.
You want to go out with your dudes? She is cool with that. You want to split the check? She is cool with that. You want to wear gross old sweat pants and not shower for days? She is probably not ok with that, but we all have standards. Personal hygiene is one of them.

She loves drinking beer, singing karaoke, watching movies like the hangover, playing wii and tequila shots. Super chill doesn’t even begin to describe her temperament. She will bake you cookies all the time.

Conclusion: As long as you shower, you can hang out with your friends and drink beer whenever you want. Also, she is not crazy.

2) Sexual Relations.
She is down always. All the time. In the garden or in the dirt. You can do it in the pouring rain, runnin the train when it's hot or cold out How 'bout in the library on top of books? But you can’t be too loud.

I thought there was no better way to get the point across then with some Luda.

Conclusion: You will get to bone. A lot.

3) Smart & Hot & Funny: Whole Package
There are few ladies who are so accomplished, and do it with such polish (including slant rhymes). Mandy is the type of girl that your friends would tell you is way too good for you, and then hit on her behind your back. But never fear, she will politely decline their bold offers because she only has eyes for you. <- Precious.

She can quote dirty movies, talk like a sailor (when appropriate, of course) and wrestle a crocodile with one hand, all while looking fabulous. Intimidating as it may seem to be with someone who is basically perfect, she still has a few flaws to keep you interested, as in: she cannot speak French and she sometimes falls down. Other than that, I can think of nothing.

Conclusion: She is bangin.

If this sounds like the lady for you, please shoot me an email and I will put you through the vetting process.


1 comment:

  1. Hi there. I like what you guys are doing here on this blog. I mean, there are a lot of salty people out there who write bitchy blogs about how horrible their dates are, or how hard it is to find someone. This blog is a bit more positive, but more importantly, proactive (but not like the skin cream) :-)

    The Craigslist ad is great because (1) it's honest and forward and (2) it's something a lot of us would like to do, assuming it might actually work.

    I have tried the whole internet dating thing periodically in the last couple of years, and when I realized that I wasn't getting a response from my rather modest profile, I decided on a whim to write it like some sort of used-car salesman. I got a couple of responses, but nothing overwhelming. I don't know which is the "better" type of ad, if there is one. All in all, I've had more luck with the usual meet-people-at-the-places-you-go method.

    The whole thing is a big marketing game, as you so rightly describe in the ad. You know you have something to offer, and you know someone out there has what you're looking for. The problem is: how do you get in contact with this person? You could put your ads all over the internet, but does that work? Who knows?

    Thanks for the good reading; I'll be back. :-)