Fresh Pressed Apple Juice & VHS

Any self-respecting woman would scoff at the idea of listing her best attributes and posting them on a public website for all to judge. Well, I’ve learned that when it comes to dating in NY, self respect along with pride and dignity are just a few of the things women are willing to sacrifice in order to snag the “perfect catch.” In this case, I am no exception. Sure, I could have been mad when Kelly posted that explicit, yet exceptionally well written, craigslist post without my permission but a part of me was relieved. I can’t count the number of times I complained that my life would be easier if I could say, "hey lets just cut through this whole process and I’ll give you a 3 point presentation why I'm awesome and you should date me."

After that, it’s completely out of your hands. You’re done selling yourself and your potential suitor either likes you or they don’t. If not, then move along because there is no point in wasting your or their time. And in a city like New York, it’s all about efficiency. Kelly had done all the work and put my plan into action without the stigma of actually posting the ad myself. Needless to say, I was totally gung-ho with the entire scenario. The entry below is a direct result of this dating endeavor….

The quick background:
Name: Mark
Age: 29
Location: Brooklyn
Attractive attributes: good witty banter, adorable ironic hipster glasses, a like for music and movies, a complete lack of knowledge of politics and an affinity for baked goods.

After many missed gchat messages, Mark (whose name has been changed to save his identity) and I finally decided to meet up at a bar downtown after I got off work. Despite the dreary and dismal weather I was upbeat about my new potential suitor. On my way to the bar, umbrella in hand, I literally ran right into him. Serendipitous I thought, truly this date was off on the right foot.

We started walking to the bar a 2 blocks away from our chance meeting on the corner. Off handedly he mentioned that he “didn’t really drink” but then instantly reassured me that he didn’t mind when others did. This immediately sparked my curiosity. Could it be that he was a recovering alcoholic? Did he have some major moral or religious objection to drinking? Was it something completely ridiculous, like it gives him terrible gas? Who knew… I mean, I did meet this guy on craigslist…. Anyway, we settled in to a table in the corner and after a brush off the first time, I asked again why he did not drink. The answer: “I don’t drink many liquids.” Wow, that came out of left field. What does that even mean?!

Apparently, our dear friend Mark has a liquid drinking regime. In the morning he likes to drink something green such as spinach, followed by something orange, then he moves on to a fresh fruit juice – perhaps a pressed apple… He continued to speak, but it was at this point that my brain stopped functioning for a half second.

Oh yes, I had in fact, agreed to go out on a date with “a crazy.” Now, after weighing my options and the severity/dangerousness of the crazy, I thought it was in the best interest of future storytelling and this blog to carry on with the rest of the date. It had only been 20 minutes…what other gems could come from this?

After deep contemplation, which to the normal person was only a fraction of a second, I fell back into step. Acting as though what he’d just said was not bat shit crazy. We continued to talk about various subjects such as music, school and the ever popular angst ridden teenage years. I can’t lie, there were several points in our conversation that I did enjoy. Namely our discussion of being a sound engineer, which, if you know me, is a topic I can talk about forever. Though, after about an hour of talking I had reached another solid conclusion: not only was he crazy, he was pretentious about it. No alcohol was good enough to drink, no teacher good enough to teach, no band good enough to listen to, no job good enough to do…… Did I mention that he was unemployed?

If nothing else, I was also determined to get a free meal out of this. So when he suggested a change in location I was all for it. I even threw out a plethora of suggestions, all of which did not seem to interest him in the least. I let him choose and we ended up at a local pizza place. Seriously! All I would get from dealing with this guy was a slice of Sicilian?! Oh no. I ended up getting much, much more.

If you thought his drinking regime was crazy… well stand back for his restrictions on eating.
The reason why he dismissed all of my suggestions is because when it comes to food, less is more. He did not like “ethnic food” because he had:

1. consistency issues; and
2. only liked foods with minimal ingredients.

Again, just like with the drinking, he reassured me that he did not look down on people who did eat those foods. He even went on to say that he was a great cook even though he, “wouldn’t touch the food that he made with a 10 foot pole.” Which begs the question, how does he know that he’s a good cook if he never eats it? I digress… in our extensive conversation about his food options the only thing I could get out of him that he ate on a regular basis was pizza and hamburgers. He also had in recent years developed an intolerance to dairy. Although, I question the validity to that statement since cheese on pizza has dairy. Don’t fret because after 4 years sans milk, this week, he discovered soy milk. The jury is still out as to whether or not it will make the cut. The one major exception to all of his rules… baked goods. I guess even a crazy can’t turn down a good chocolate croissant.

After much scintillating conversation about his VHS collection – primarily comedies between 1972 and 1986 - we started walking. I’m not sure where he was walking to but I knew I was heading straight to the subway. We ended up in Union square, said a quick and awkward goodbye, hugged, pretended that we would perhaps meet up again and went our own separate ways.

I will state for the record that I in no way regret this date. In fact, it may be one of the best – worst dates of all time. If nothing else I got quite the story out of it.

Lesson Learned: When life gives you apples… make some fresh pressed apple juice.

Recipe

Apple Shake (2 servings)

1 cup vanilla ice cream (Feel free to substitute a soy ice cream if you have some sort of dairy intolerance)
2 cups freshly pressed apple juice
2 ripe bananas
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
Combine all ingredients in blender until smooth.

It’s easy and has minimal ingredients. Enjoy!