Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Basics: Kelly

First things first, whenever I hear the word dossier, I think of Busta Rhymes and Pass the Courvoisier!

So other than that, this is me.


Name: Kelly

Age: 24

Sign: Cancer, which I love since the last time I read my horoscope it was, “Today is a good day for a party.” Yes it is horoscope, yes it is. Other than that I know nothing about my sign, other than it looks like a crab.

Random shit: I love dinosaurs, reading, working out, boozin, photoshopping things, karaoke, improv comedy and art


Height: 5’9. Fight me. I dare you.

Hair color: Blonde-ish

Eye color: Blue-ish/Green-ish

Things I find attractive on the opposite sex/first things I notice:
  • Teeth – I firmly believe a person’s dental hygiene says a lot about their character.
  • Critter Pants – It is incredibly important for them to look as though they are a Young Republican, but not actually be one. Nothing gets me like some J.Crew or Ralph Lauren douche attire <3
  • Job – Gotta have one of these. And not at Walmart.
  • Height – Please be tall, as in over 5’10.

Dating history:

Oh boy. Well, you will be hearing a lot more about these kids later, but I’ll give you the short introduction now so you have SO much to look forward to (I will refer to them as there middle names to preserve at least some of their dignity):

Gabriel: Oh, Gabe, you were such a sleazy. We dated in high school, he got my V, broke up with me two weeks later and then told me he didn’t believe that I was actually a V. So you know, amazing.

Scott: This is an epic tale spanning eight years, from my junior year in high school until an incident about four months ago that involved him having multiple alarms set around his apartment so that he could wake up and eat pineapple with hot sauce on it and still be on time for work. He also began screaming at me that I was not his girlfriend and that there was nothing between us. And then five minutes later asked, “Can we cuddle?” And friends, there are 8 more years of shit like that. It is seriously epic.

David: We dated my senior year in college during one of Scott and I’s tumultuous periods. David played ruby very seriously, and one time I found him in his kitchen, propped up by a couple of his teammates feeding him water out of the brita because he was too intoxicated to stand up or feed himself. We were supposed to have dinner with my parents. We broke up shortly after when I decided I was moving to New York. Like we were dating seriously anyways. Bitch, please.

Why I’m doing this:

I’ve lived in New York for two years and am yet to meet a (straight) man who does not physically repulse me after actually getting to know him. And CLEARLY my standards are very low. So that says a lot.

Maybe if I have a reason to go on dates I will meet someone who is actually human and likes ladies that are successful and funny and attractive.

Dating plan:

I’m going to do what Emily and Mandy tell me, which I suppose includes:
  • Online dating
  • Speed dating
  • Self-help dating books
  • Blind dates
  • Bars/social events

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