Monday, March 5, 2012

Gem #1 (Fresh Meat)

I apologize for the extreme delay in posting these adventures. Life has, let's say, taken some extreme and unplanned turns in the last half of 2011. But, back to dating, and more on ch, ch, changes in later installments!

As per my last post, I wound up with two genuine dates from my Craiglist experiment.

Gem #1 was a newly minted NYCer (hereby known as Fresh Meat) who had relocated from Minnesota to Queens about four weeks earlier. His response was lengthy and sweet, not to mention uber excited to be in contact with me. I gave him my number; he text me immediately. Homeboy was an eager beaver. I did not mind this.

We decided to go out the following weekend and he sweetly said, "why don't you let me take you to The Met?". I liked the wording of that communication. It implied assertiveness, no confusion on who was paying for the date, and it was also manly. Mommy likey. (Wow, is that creepy?)

Since he lived in Queens as well, we decided to meet at a common subway stop, Queensboro Plaza. I carefully choose what I deemed to be a cute, yet not trying too hard first date outfit and went on my way. I stood nervously at the station, watching for someone I thought I might recognize exit the N train. The trains came and went. And then as the train pulled out of the station, someone tapped me on the shoulder in that elementary school, I'm standing on your left, but am going to tap your right shoulder so you look the other way, kinda way - and there was Gem #1.


I almost didn't understand how someone who had never met me could be so excited to be on a first date with me. I mean, please, I get it, har har - no, but really. We dont know each other.... I AM pretty cool to hang with but he certainly hadn't been educated in proper NYC dating decorum. Didn't he know he was supposed to be aloof and withhold his true feelings?

We traveled to The Met and randomly walked around. His giddiness continued the entire time we were there, even reaching out to cup my shoulders from behind every 30 minutes or so. Normally, I'm a cynical person (read: bitch) but I actually liked this! I was liking this guy!


His enthusiasm was contagious! I was smiling! And flirting! And if I hadnt been such a dumb turd prude I would have gone with the moment and let him kiss me in front of the display of Roman war helmets.

After the museum closed, Fresh Meat took me to an early dinner at diner nearby. We exited and walked in the rain. I didn't mind (except for my goddamn curly hair that started to get all wonky Liz Lemon style).

Back to Queensboro Plaza we went, and even though I would have liked to kiss him goodbye, I really didn't want our first kiss to be on a subway platform in Long Island City. So I hugged him and we parted ways.

15 minutes later I receive a text from him saying what a great time he had, and how he wanted to see me again.

I had done it. I had been on a successful date! With someone *I* actually wanted to see again! Not someone who was going to slobber on my face in Grand Central, or tell me about Low Sodium Tacos being the highlight of their Friday night, but an actual potential dating partner! So many exclamation points!!!!


And here's where the enthusiasm ends. There was no second date. He randomly texted me over the next two-ish weeks saying that he was super busy but wanted to see me again (including texting me once at 2a saying he was thinking about me.....I'm sorry, but 2a and youre thinking about me? Whatchu thinkin' 'bout boi? Mmmhmm!). So eventually I just stopped trying.

I had thought I'd found the perfect dating solution - find a male who has recently moved to NYC so he hasn't had time to become a dating disaster. Find a middle america, homegrown quality dude and date him. Date him hard.

Sigh, NYC got to him before I did. Fresh Meat had already started to spoil.

Better Then Sex Cake
1 Box of Devils Food Cake mix
Cool Whip
Caramel Sauce
Heath Bar's crushed

(make that shiz according to directions in a 13x9 pan)
After it cools, poke holes in the cake and fill them holes with caramel sauce. Then cover it with Cool Whip and drizzle more of that caramel on top. Sprinkle the top with your crushed up Heath Bar. Eat.

It's better then sex because I didn't get any (and having cake is better than nothing). AND, after you have a taste, youre gonna want more....just like my first awesome first date ever.

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