Gem #2 (or HOTHO)

Disclaimer: this entry is along non-PG level. Not even PG-13. If you have delicate sensibilities, you’ve been forewarned.

The second gem I met through my Craigslist experiment was a 30 year old English teacher living in Astoria; NYC born, NYC bred. His response was similar to Gem #1 in that it was funny and well written. He included pictures and the closest thing I can compare him to is Buddy Holly. He was a Hipster Of The Highest Order (HOTHO). This was going to be a departure for me.

I went out with HOTHO after my date with Fresh Meat when it didn’t seem like I was going to hear from him again. I wasn’t waiting around for Fresh Meat to get his act together, I was a rolling stone gathering no dating moss!

We made plans to meet the following week for some drinks, but in the meantime started gchatting each other. He was funny. And I think funny is hot. So by the undeniable high school math equation “If, then” is applied here we get: If he is funny and I think funny is hot, then he is hot. Making me laugh gives you brownie points so quickly, and it’s the easiest and funnest way to earn them! As a tiny red flag, he was already referring to me and us in the future tense. For example, he was already planning on taking me to Met’s games the following season. Hm. Um. Hold those horses Mr. Wayne.

I allowed him to choose the bar we would meet at and I trudged off to Astoria after work one fine Tuesday. We were texting as we were traveling and he told me he was wearing an orange hoodie. I was already skeptical. Hoodie to me says: I put absolutely no effort into this outfit whatsoever. However, the caveat here is that he was a HOTHO and therefore hoodies are part of the uniform. I still was able to sight him two blocks away, though.

I entered the bar where he was already ordering some of Brooklyn’s finest lager and we awkwardly said hello. He chose a corner booth where leg room was minimal and required knocking knees. I suspect(ed) this was on purpose. He frequently used the intimate space to emphasize his point by touching my thigh. Side note: not as cute in person. But, as online dating goes, you gotta just roll with it.

Backstory: while gchatting, we had discussed the merits of napping. Oh, the glories of napping!!! We were apparently both fans.

Segway back: After one drink he turns to me and asks, “So what do you want to do? Another drink? Dinner? …..nap?”

I’m sorry. Wait. Did you just ask me to “nap” after one drink??

It was raining outside and I used this as an excuse to respond with a, “um, it doesn’t look so hot out there, why don’t we get another drink?”

So we got another drink. At this point I’m thinking that he’s not a troll. I’m thinking that he’s not the yin to my yang, but I’m not having a terrible time. So after we finish our second drink, he asks again what I want to do. I respond, “’let’s take a nap!”. Please don’t misunderstand, dear reader, I’m not a total vamp. I was thinking some good old fashioned high school couch tonsil hockey could be nice.

Here’s where I learned a valuable dating lesson, which is why I’m sharing this story and still hoping you’re not judging me. Taken aback, he said stuttering, “oh! I’m sorry, I, I just, I just didn’t think you were into it….”

And there’s my dating feedback, my college moniker given to me by my dear friend Lindsay, the Ice Princess apparently lives on. Now, when I go on a date, I make sure I’m encouraging (if I’m into it) and not an ice cold bitch.

I back away from the invitation; his surprise wasn’t encouraging to me so I start to rescind my statement. But he now pursues it. He offers to drive me home. Perfect, 1) I don’t have to spend 45 minutes going two miles and 2) cars are perfect to make out in!

He drives me home and we end up in my apartment. I’m going to spare you the details of one of the most awkward experiences of my life. And yes, I realize how improbable that statement is, because all of my dates are landmines of discomfort.

He actually DID want to nap. We were NOT on the same page.

He whispered into my ear that he had already, um, pleasured himself to my photograph the previous weekend.

And the cherry on top: he asked me to toss his salad.

‘Nuff said.

I hope it’s needless to say, but we did not see each other after that.

Tossed Salad (too easy?):

Lettuce
Tomato
Cucumber
Hard Boiled Egg
Oh, eff it – do you really need me to spell this out?

Gem #1 (Fresh Meat)

I apologize for the extreme delay in posting these adventures. Life has, let's say, taken some extreme and unplanned turns in the last half of 2011. But, back to dating, and more on ch, ch, changes in later installments!

As per my last post, I wound up with two genuine dates from my Craiglist experiment.

Gem #1 was a newly minted NYCer (hereby known as Fresh Meat) who had relocated from Minnesota to Queens about four weeks earlier. His response was lengthy and sweet, not to mention uber excited to be in contact with me. I gave him my number; he text me immediately. Homeboy was an eager beaver. I did not mind this.

We decided to go out the following weekend and he sweetly said, "why don't you let me take you to The Met?". I liked the wording of that communication. It implied assertiveness, no confusion on who was paying for the date, and it was also manly. Mommy likey. (Wow, is that creepy?)

Since he lived in Queens as well, we decided to meet at a common subway stop, Queensboro Plaza. I carefully choose what I deemed to be a cute, yet not trying too hard first date outfit and went on my way. I stood nervously at the station, watching for someone I thought I might recognize exit the N train. The trains came and went. And then as the train pulled out of the station, someone tapped me on the shoulder in that elementary school, I'm standing on your left, but am going to tap your right shoulder so you look the other way, kinda way - and there was Gem #1.

He.was.giddy.

I almost didn't understand how someone who had never met me could be so excited to be on a first date with me. I mean, please, I get it, har har - no, but really. We dont know each other.... I AM pretty cool to hang with but he certainly hadn't been educated in proper NYC dating decorum. Didn't he know he was supposed to be aloof and withhold his true feelings?

We traveled to The Met and randomly walked around. His giddiness continued the entire time we were there, even reaching out to cup my shoulders from behind every 30 minutes or so. Normally, I'm a cynical person (read: bitch) but I actually liked this! I was liking this guy!

COULD I ACTUALLY BE ON A SUCCESSFUL DATE?!?! Stop the presses.

His enthusiasm was contagious! I was smiling! And flirting! And if I hadnt been such a dumb turd prude I would have gone with the moment and let him kiss me in front of the display of Roman war helmets.

After the museum closed, Fresh Meat took me to an early dinner at diner nearby. We exited and walked in the rain. I didn't mind (except for my goddamn curly hair that started to get all wonky Liz Lemon style).

Back to Queensboro Plaza we went, and even though I would have liked to kiss him goodbye, I really didn't want our first kiss to be on a subway platform in Long Island City. So I hugged him and we parted ways.

15 minutes later I receive a text from him saying what a great time he had, and how he wanted to see me again.

I had done it. I had been on a successful date! With someone *I* actually wanted to see again! Not someone who was going to slobber on my face in Grand Central, or tell me about Low Sodium Tacos being the highlight of their Friday night, but an actual potential dating partner! So many exclamation points!!!!

****************

And here's where the enthusiasm ends. There was no second date. He randomly texted me over the next two-ish weeks saying that he was super busy but wanted to see me again (including texting me once at 2a saying he was thinking about me.....I'm sorry, but 2a and youre thinking about me? Whatchu thinkin' 'bout boi? Mmmhmm!). So eventually I just stopped trying.

I had thought I'd found the perfect dating solution - find a male who has recently moved to NYC so he hasn't had time to become a dating disaster. Find a middle america, homegrown quality dude and date him. Date him hard.

Sigh, NYC got to him before I did. Fresh Meat had already started to spoil.

Better Then Sex Cake

1 Box of Devils Food Cake mix

Cool Whip

Caramel Sauce

Heath Bar's crushed

(make that shiz according to directions in a 13x9 pan)

After it cools, poke holes in the cake and fill them holes with caramel sauce. Then cover it with Cool Whip and drizzle more of that caramel on top. Sprinkle the top with your crushed up Heath Bar. Eat.

It's better then sex because I didn't get any (and having cake is better than nothing). AND, after you have a taste, youre gonna want more....just like my first awesome first date ever.

The Experiment

Having tried most avenues of online dating, I decided to conduct an experiment (out of boredom, out of a desire for a laugh, but certainly, no, not out out of desperation.....).

I won't keep you in suspense; I posted an ad on Craiglist.

It was a random Thursday night and I found myself with a few hours to kill before my house guest arrived for the long weekend. I was bored. I was spectacularly single. Why not see what happens?! What have I got to lose?! How many times have I heard that sentence when it comes to dating? Loads. But it's true - so I did!

Here's what I posted:

_________________________________________________________

Subject: You can bring me home to mom, but only if we ever get out of bed - 31 (Sunnyside)

Wanted: a smart, funny, male who wants to go out and explore this amazing city of ours.

You: amazing, fun, smart, will play Clue with me and then watch The Princess Bride, willing to be my baking taste tester and thinks the Red Panda might be the cutest animal in the zoo. That, or a lemur.

Me:

1) I tend to like sports that involve my childhood. This really involves anything having to do with snow, since I grew up in Buffalo. I love skiing, watching hockey and have been known to try a little Nancy Kerrigan action every once in a while.
2) I find that I'm comfortable in most every environment.
3) I can talk to anyone, any time. Literally.
4) I often get men who tell me they dont know how I'm single and female friends that tell me if they were lesbians they'd be trying to get up on it.
5) My mom is Buffalonian, but my Dad is Canadian. I'm a half breed.
6) I have a really good sense of smell, and at night my super sonic hearing kicks in.
7) Five is my lucky number, and green my favorite color.
8) I love to drive and go on roadtrips (and have never been in a reported accident)
9) I travel for work, and lovelovelove it.
10) I'd love to have a medium sized dog someday, but I'd like to have a yard for him/her to play in.
11) Wherever I travel, I buy a Christmas ornament. I like decorating the tree and remembering all the places I've been.
12) I am horrible at Scrabble. I love words and etymology but get beaten on Words with Friends constantly. My ego can take it.
13) I am single, never been married nor do I have children but I would like to no longer be single and one day get married and have children.
14) I know how to cook, but am a kick ass baker who thinks having dinner prepared for me is incredibly sexy.
15) I have two brothers; they're my bookends.
16) I'm a south paw.
17) I've lived in Orlando (summer at Disney), Rome (semester abroad) and Belfast (masters program), aaaaaand now I live here.
18) I think AC might be man's greatest invention
19) I like hockey more than any other sport, but to be completely truthful, its because it doesn't last that long.
20) I am the worst bowler ever. But just like karaoke, I'll give it a go anyway.
21) I'm fun. And funny.
22) I recently rediscovered a love of skiing - I really need to go more often.
23) I have incredibly soft skin.
24) I might be the least judgmental person you ever meet.
25) I've never gotten busy in the backseat of a car.

Wanna hang out? Tell me about *you*! :)

________________________________________________________________

I would also like to add that I decided to get a little frisky because I have a theory about my lack of quality response on OKC. While I truly believe that my profile is pretty much on the mark with my personality, it lacks any overt sexuality. Perhaps I'll explore this in a different post, but I feel like when online dating, that as a female, you have to exude some sexuality in order to get a higher rate of response. Okay, I digress, back to the post.

I received 27 responses in two hours. Here are some gems:

I'm cool and really tall. That's all you need to know : )

A SOUTH PAW? NO DEAL

I'll taste your pie!
#25. How about the front seat?
In traffic x

I know you want to be told about me. But after reading that list of things you posted... I have to ask 2 questions; 1. Are you real? and 2. Why are you single? They say if something is too good to be true, it usually is. What really caught my eye is that you are a kick ass baker. Having dinner ready for you is more than sexy, it's mandatory. Cooking is my passion (baking included). It might seem selfish of me to want to know to more about you without divulging info about me. Maybe you'll answer this email, I'd be more than happy to tell you all about me, but I'm way more interested in learning more about you.

I actually live right next to Sunnyside and have never been.

I am in Williamsburg and drive and would love an excuse to go to your neighborhood.

I am 32, a lawyer, over 6 feet tall, smart, sarcastic & funny.

Lets chat some more, I got a new car recently and am really thinking about the line about making out in the backseat :)

That last car comment seemed to get the most attention. A LOT of guys were interested in making #25 happen for me. How generous of them! The rest were pretty generic, some were blatantly solicitousness for some NSA action and then there were two gems. Two, honest to goodness gems. Which resulted in DATES. Craigslist was the best idea I'd had in forever! (Well, at least I thought so at the time....) <---foreshadowing alert!!

I replied to quite a few and eliminated most based on their pictures. The reasons ran the gamut of geriatric, slob, only including their torso in the picture (nice pecks dude!), creepy, next Craigslist killer, to just plain not interested.

The two gems I received deserve their own posts (to follow, clearly).

One night on Craigslist resulted in more action than match, eharmony and OKC put together. But, alas, quantity is not quality.

Recipe:

Seems like a random mix of ingredients that might make you go, whaaa? But it's bangin' and has potential to be amazing. So trust me, try it, just like my Craigslist ad - you might be surprised at what you get!

Tater Tot Casserole

1 lb Hamburger, brown with chopped onion. Place hamburger/onion mix in a greased casserole.
Mix 1 can Cream of Mushroom soup and 1/2 can of milk. Pour over hamburger. Top with 1/2 package of Tater Tots (or more.) Bake at 350 for approximately 1 hour (til bubbling and tater tots are browned.)

Fresh Pressed Apple Juice & VHS

Any self-respecting woman would scoff at the idea of listing her best attributes and posting them on a public website for all to judge. Well, I’ve learned that when it comes to dating in NY, self respect along with pride and dignity are just a few of the things women are willing to sacrifice in order to snag the “perfect catch.” In this case, I am no exception. Sure, I could have been mad when Kelly posted that explicit, yet exceptionally well written, craigslist post without my permission but a part of me was relieved. I can’t count the number of times I complained that my life would be easier if I could say, "hey lets just cut through this whole process and I’ll give you a 3 point presentation why I'm awesome and you should date me."

After that, it’s completely out of your hands. You’re done selling yourself and your potential suitor either likes you or they don’t. If not, then move along because there is no point in wasting your or their time. And in a city like New York, it’s all about efficiency. Kelly had done all the work and put my plan into action without the stigma of actually posting the ad myself. Needless to say, I was totally gung-ho with the entire scenario. The entry below is a direct result of this dating endeavor….

The quick background:
Name: Mark
Age: 29
Location: Brooklyn
Attractive attributes: good witty banter, adorable ironic hipster glasses, a like for music and movies, a complete lack of knowledge of politics and an affinity for baked goods.

After many missed gchat messages, Mark (whose name has been changed to save his identity) and I finally decided to meet up at a bar downtown after I got off work. Despite the dreary and dismal weather I was upbeat about my new potential suitor. On my way to the bar, umbrella in hand, I literally ran right into him. Serendipitous I thought, truly this date was off on the right foot.

We started walking to the bar a 2 blocks away from our chance meeting on the corner. Off handedly he mentioned that he “didn’t really drink” but then instantly reassured me that he didn’t mind when others did. This immediately sparked my curiosity. Could it be that he was a recovering alcoholic? Did he have some major moral or religious objection to drinking? Was it something completely ridiculous, like it gives him terrible gas? Who knew… I mean, I did meet this guy on craigslist…. Anyway, we settled in to a table in the corner and after a brush off the first time, I asked again why he did not drink. The answer: “I don’t drink many liquids.” Wow, that came out of left field. What does that even mean?!

Apparently, our dear friend Mark has a liquid drinking regime. In the morning he likes to drink something green such as spinach, followed by something orange, then he moves on to a fresh fruit juice – perhaps a pressed apple… He continued to speak, but it was at this point that my brain stopped functioning for a half second.

Oh yes, I had in fact, agreed to go out on a date with “a crazy.” Now, after weighing my options and the severity/dangerousness of the crazy, I thought it was in the best interest of future storytelling and this blog to carry on with the rest of the date. It had only been 20 minutes…what other gems could come from this?

After deep contemplation, which to the normal person was only a fraction of a second, I fell back into step. Acting as though what he’d just said was not bat shit crazy. We continued to talk about various subjects such as music, school and the ever popular angst ridden teenage years. I can’t lie, there were several points in our conversation that I did enjoy. Namely our discussion of being a sound engineer, which, if you know me, is a topic I can talk about forever. Though, after about an hour of talking I had reached another solid conclusion: not only was he crazy, he was pretentious about it. No alcohol was good enough to drink, no teacher good enough to teach, no band good enough to listen to, no job good enough to do…… Did I mention that he was unemployed?

If nothing else, I was also determined to get a free meal out of this. So when he suggested a change in location I was all for it. I even threw out a plethora of suggestions, all of which did not seem to interest him in the least. I let him choose and we ended up at a local pizza place. Seriously! All I would get from dealing with this guy was a slice of Sicilian?! Oh no. I ended up getting much, much more.

If you thought his drinking regime was crazy… well stand back for his restrictions on eating.
The reason why he dismissed all of my suggestions is because when it comes to food, less is more. He did not like “ethnic food” because he had:

1. consistency issues; and
2. only liked foods with minimal ingredients.

Again, just like with the drinking, he reassured me that he did not look down on people who did eat those foods. He even went on to say that he was a great cook even though he, “wouldn’t touch the food that he made with a 10 foot pole.” Which begs the question, how does he know that he’s a good cook if he never eats it? I digress… in our extensive conversation about his food options the only thing I could get out of him that he ate on a regular basis was pizza and hamburgers. He also had in recent years developed an intolerance to dairy. Although, I question the validity to that statement since cheese on pizza has dairy. Don’t fret because after 4 years sans milk, this week, he discovered soy milk. The jury is still out as to whether or not it will make the cut. The one major exception to all of his rules… baked goods. I guess even a crazy can’t turn down a good chocolate croissant.

After much scintillating conversation about his VHS collection – primarily comedies between 1972 and 1986 - we started walking. I’m not sure where he was walking to but I knew I was heading straight to the subway. We ended up in Union square, said a quick and awkward goodbye, hugged, pretended that we would perhaps meet up again and went our own separate ways.

I will state for the record that I in no way regret this date. In fact, it may be one of the best – worst dates of all time. If nothing else I got quite the story out of it.

Lesson Learned: When life gives you apples… make some fresh pressed apple juice.

Recipe

Apple Shake (2 servings)

1 cup vanilla ice cream (Feel free to substitute a soy ice cream if you have some sort of dairy intolerance)
2 cups freshly pressed apple juice
2 ripe bananas
1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
Combine all ingredients in blender until smooth.

It’s easy and has minimal ingredients. Enjoy!

Something Naughty I did to Mandy: A Craigslist Call for Proposals

Being the wonderful friend I am, and because Mandy kept talking about creating a 3-point presentation to give to potential suitors, I wrote the following and posted it on craigslist missed connections. I received many, many glorious responses, vetted them for Mandy and sent her out on dates, which you will hear about as they happen. <3 Kelly

This is what started it all:

A three point presentation on why Amanda would make the best gf ever.

In the fine spirit of camaraderie, I want to introduce everyone to your dream girl: Amanda. She is bangin, basically in every way. I would totally rail her myself, but I’m also a girl and we’re not into that. Well, maybe, but there would have to be a dude involved. A very hot dude. But, I digress…

So Amanda. She is gorgeous, tall, and brunette, in crazy amazing shape—runs every day. She is fun and funny and totally adorable, but for some reason she isn’t getting it on the regular. I have no idea why; she should be rolling five deep.

Being the children of corporate America that we are, I thought the best way to appeal to our target demographic is through a 3-point presentation on why she would make the best girlfriend ever. In the interest of time and efficiency, there is a conclusion statement at the bottom of each point that summarizes the key themes of the post.

If you are smart, funny and successful, between the ages of 24 and 32, I strongly encourage you to seriously consider the following:

1) Low Maintenance.
You want to go out with your dudes? She is cool with that. You want to split the check? She is cool with that. You want to wear gross old sweat pants and not shower for days? She is probably not ok with that, but we all have standards. Personal hygiene is one of them.

She loves drinking beer, singing karaoke, watching movies like the hangover, playing wii and tequila shots. Super chill doesn’t even begin to describe her temperament. She will bake you cookies all the time.

Conclusion: As long as you shower, you can hang out with your friends and drink beer whenever you want. Also, she is not crazy.

2) Sexual Relations.
She is down always. All the time. In the garden or in the dirt. You can do it in the pouring rain, runnin the train when it's hot or cold out How 'bout in the library on top of books? But you can’t be too loud.

I thought there was no better way to get the point across then with some Luda.

Conclusion: You will get to bone. A lot.

3) Smart & Hot & Funny: Whole Package
There are few ladies who are so accomplished, and do it with such polish (including slant rhymes). Mandy is the type of girl that your friends would tell you is way too good for you, and then hit on her behind your back. But never fear, she will politely decline their bold offers because she only has eyes for you. <- Precious.

She can quote dirty movies, talk like a sailor (when appropriate, of course) and wrestle a crocodile with one hand, all while looking fabulous. Intimidating as it may seem to be with someone who is basically perfect, she still has a few flaws to keep you interested, as in: she cannot speak French and she sometimes falls down. Other than that, I can think of nothing.

Conclusion: She is bangin.

If this sounds like the lady for you, please shoot me an email and I will put you through the vetting process.

Xoxo.