Gem #2 (or HOTHO)

Disclaimer: this entry is along non-PG level. Not even PG-13. If you have delicate sensibilities, you’ve been forewarned.

The second gem I met through my Craigslist experiment was a 30 year old English teacher living in Astoria; NYC born, NYC bred. His response was similar to Gem #1 in that it was funny and well written. He included pictures and the closest thing I can compare him to is Buddy Holly. He was a Hipster Of The Highest Order (HOTHO). This was going to be a departure for me.

I went out with HOTHO after my date with Fresh Meat when it didn’t seem like I was going to hear from him again. I wasn’t waiting around for Fresh Meat to get his act together, I was a rolling stone gathering no dating moss!

We made plans to meet the following week for some drinks, but in the meantime started gchatting each other. He was funny. And I think funny is hot. So by the undeniable high school math equation “If, then” is applied here we get: If he is funny and I think funny is hot, then he is hot. Making me laugh gives you brownie points so quickly, and it’s the easiest and funnest way to earn them! As a tiny red flag, he was already referring to me and us in the future tense. For example, he was already planning on taking me to Met’s games the following season. Hm. Um. Hold those horses Mr. Wayne.

I allowed him to choose the bar we would meet at and I trudged off to Astoria after work one fine Tuesday. We were texting as we were traveling and he told me he was wearing an orange hoodie. I was already skeptical. Hoodie to me says: I put absolutely no effort into this outfit whatsoever. However, the caveat here is that he was a HOTHO and therefore hoodies are part of the uniform. I still was able to sight him two blocks away, though.

I entered the bar where he was already ordering some of Brooklyn’s finest lager and we awkwardly said hello. He chose a corner booth where leg room was minimal and required knocking knees. I suspect(ed) this was on purpose. He frequently used the intimate space to emphasize his point by touching my thigh. Side note: not as cute in person. But, as online dating goes, you gotta just roll with it.

Backstory: while gchatting, we had discussed the merits of napping. Oh, the glories of napping!!! We were apparently both fans.

Segway back: After one drink he turns to me and asks, “So what do you want to do? Another drink? Dinner? …..nap?”

I’m sorry. Wait. Did you just ask me to “nap” after one drink??

It was raining outside and I used this as an excuse to respond with a, “um, it doesn’t look so hot out there, why don’t we get another drink?”

So we got another drink. At this point I’m thinking that he’s not a troll. I’m thinking that he’s not the yin to my yang, but I’m not having a terrible time. So after we finish our second drink, he asks again what I want to do. I respond, “’let’s take a nap!”. Please don’t misunderstand, dear reader, I’m not a total vamp. I was thinking some good old fashioned high school couch tonsil hockey could be nice.

Here’s where I learned a valuable dating lesson, which is why I’m sharing this story and still hoping you’re not judging me. Taken aback, he said stuttering, “oh! I’m sorry, I, I just, I just didn’t think you were into it….”

And there’s my dating feedback, my college moniker given to me by my dear friend Lindsay, the Ice Princess apparently lives on. Now, when I go on a date, I make sure I’m encouraging (if I’m into it) and not an ice cold bitch.

I back away from the invitation; his surprise wasn’t encouraging to me so I start to rescind my statement. But he now pursues it. He offers to drive me home. Perfect, 1) I don’t have to spend 45 minutes going two miles and 2) cars are perfect to make out in!

He drives me home and we end up in my apartment. I’m going to spare you the details of one of the most awkward experiences of my life. And yes, I realize how improbable that statement is, because all of my dates are landmines of discomfort.

He actually DID want to nap. We were NOT on the same page.

He whispered into my ear that he had already, um, pleasured himself to my photograph the previous weekend.

And the cherry on top: he asked me to toss his salad.

‘Nuff said.

I hope it’s needless to say, but we did not see each other after that.

Tossed Salad (too easy?):

Lettuce
Tomato
Cucumber
Hard Boiled Egg
Oh, eff it – do you really need me to spell this out?

Gem #1 (Fresh Meat)

I apologize for the extreme delay in posting these adventures. Life has, let's say, taken some extreme and unplanned turns in the last half of 2011. But, back to dating, and more on ch, ch, changes in later installments!

As per my last post, I wound up with two genuine dates from my Craiglist experiment.

Gem #1 was a newly minted NYCer (hereby known as Fresh Meat) who had relocated from Minnesota to Queens about four weeks earlier. His response was lengthy and sweet, not to mention uber excited to be in contact with me. I gave him my number; he text me immediately. Homeboy was an eager beaver. I did not mind this.

We decided to go out the following weekend and he sweetly said, "why don't you let me take you to The Met?". I liked the wording of that communication. It implied assertiveness, no confusion on who was paying for the date, and it was also manly. Mommy likey. (Wow, is that creepy?)

Since he lived in Queens as well, we decided to meet at a common subway stop, Queensboro Plaza. I carefully choose what I deemed to be a cute, yet not trying too hard first date outfit and went on my way. I stood nervously at the station, watching for someone I thought I might recognize exit the N train. The trains came and went. And then as the train pulled out of the station, someone tapped me on the shoulder in that elementary school, I'm standing on your left, but am going to tap your right shoulder so you look the other way, kinda way - and there was Gem #1.

He.was.giddy.

I almost didn't understand how someone who had never met me could be so excited to be on a first date with me. I mean, please, I get it, har har - no, but really. We dont know each other.... I AM pretty cool to hang with but he certainly hadn't been educated in proper NYC dating decorum. Didn't he know he was supposed to be aloof and withhold his true feelings?

We traveled to The Met and randomly walked around. His giddiness continued the entire time we were there, even reaching out to cup my shoulders from behind every 30 minutes or so. Normally, I'm a cynical person (read: bitch) but I actually liked this! I was liking this guy!

COULD I ACTUALLY BE ON A SUCCESSFUL DATE?!?! Stop the presses.

His enthusiasm was contagious! I was smiling! And flirting! And if I hadnt been such a dumb turd prude I would have gone with the moment and let him kiss me in front of the display of Roman war helmets.

After the museum closed, Fresh Meat took me to an early dinner at diner nearby. We exited and walked in the rain. I didn't mind (except for my goddamn curly hair that started to get all wonky Liz Lemon style).

Back to Queensboro Plaza we went, and even though I would have liked to kiss him goodbye, I really didn't want our first kiss to be on a subway platform in Long Island City. So I hugged him and we parted ways.

15 minutes later I receive a text from him saying what a great time he had, and how he wanted to see me again.

I had done it. I had been on a successful date! With someone *I* actually wanted to see again! Not someone who was going to slobber on my face in Grand Central, or tell me about Low Sodium Tacos being the highlight of their Friday night, but an actual potential dating partner! So many exclamation points!!!!

****************

And here's where the enthusiasm ends. There was no second date. He randomly texted me over the next two-ish weeks saying that he was super busy but wanted to see me again (including texting me once at 2a saying he was thinking about me.....I'm sorry, but 2a and youre thinking about me? Whatchu thinkin' 'bout boi? Mmmhmm!). So eventually I just stopped trying.

I had thought I'd found the perfect dating solution - find a male who has recently moved to NYC so he hasn't had time to become a dating disaster. Find a middle america, homegrown quality dude and date him. Date him hard.

Sigh, NYC got to him before I did. Fresh Meat had already started to spoil.

Better Then Sex Cake

1 Box of Devils Food Cake mix

Cool Whip

Caramel Sauce

Heath Bar's crushed

(make that shiz according to directions in a 13x9 pan)

After it cools, poke holes in the cake and fill them holes with caramel sauce. Then cover it with Cool Whip and drizzle more of that caramel on top. Sprinkle the top with your crushed up Heath Bar. Eat.

It's better then sex because I didn't get any (and having cake is better than nothing). AND, after you have a taste, youre gonna want more....just like my first awesome first date ever.

The Experiment

Having tried most avenues of online dating, I decided to conduct an experiment (out of boredom, out of a desire for a laugh, but certainly, no, not out out of desperation.....).

I won't keep you in suspense; I posted an ad on Craiglist.

It was a random Thursday night and I found myself with a few hours to kill before my house guest arrived for the long weekend. I was bored. I was spectacularly single. Why not see what happens?! What have I got to lose?! How many times have I heard that sentence when it comes to dating? Loads. But it's true - so I did!

Here's what I posted:

_________________________________________________________

Subject: You can bring me home to mom, but only if we ever get out of bed - 31 (Sunnyside)

Wanted: a smart, funny, male who wants to go out and explore this amazing city of ours.

You: amazing, fun, smart, will play Clue with me and then watch The Princess Bride, willing to be my baking taste tester and thinks the Red Panda might be the cutest animal in the zoo. That, or a lemur.

Me:

1) I tend to like sports that involve my childhood. This really involves anything having to do with snow, since I grew up in Buffalo. I love skiing, watching hockey and have been known to try a little Nancy Kerrigan action every once in a while.
2) I find that I'm comfortable in most every environment.
3) I can talk to anyone, any time. Literally.
4) I often get men who tell me they dont know how I'm single and female friends that tell me if they were lesbians they'd be trying to get up on it.
5) My mom is Buffalonian, but my Dad is Canadian. I'm a half breed.
6) I have a really good sense of smell, and at night my super sonic hearing kicks in.
7) Five is my lucky number, and green my favorite color.
8) I love to drive and go on roadtrips (and have never been in a reported accident)
9) I travel for work, and lovelovelove it.
10) I'd love to have a medium sized dog someday, but I'd like to have a yard for him/her to play in.
11) Wherever I travel, I buy a Christmas ornament. I like decorating the tree and remembering all the places I've been.
12) I am horrible at Scrabble. I love words and etymology but get beaten on Words with Friends constantly. My ego can take it.
13) I am single, never been married nor do I have children but I would like to no longer be single and one day get married and have children.
14) I know how to cook, but am a kick ass baker who thinks having dinner prepared for me is incredibly sexy.
15) I have two brothers; they're my bookends.
16) I'm a south paw.
17) I've lived in Orlando (summer at Disney), Rome (semester abroad) and Belfast (masters program), aaaaaand now I live here.
18) I think AC might be man's greatest invention
19) I like hockey more than any other sport, but to be completely truthful, its because it doesn't last that long.
20) I am the worst bowler ever. But just like karaoke, I'll give it a go anyway.
21) I'm fun. And funny.
22) I recently rediscovered a love of skiing - I really need to go more often.
23) I have incredibly soft skin.
24) I might be the least judgmental person you ever meet.
25) I've never gotten busy in the backseat of a car.

Wanna hang out? Tell me about *you*! :)

________________________________________________________________

I would also like to add that I decided to get a little frisky because I have a theory about my lack of quality response on OKC. While I truly believe that my profile is pretty much on the mark with my personality, it lacks any overt sexuality. Perhaps I'll explore this in a different post, but I feel like when online dating, that as a female, you have to exude some sexuality in order to get a higher rate of response. Okay, I digress, back to the post.

I received 27 responses in two hours. Here are some gems:

I'm cool and really tall. That's all you need to know : )

A SOUTH PAW? NO DEAL

I'll taste your pie!
#25. How about the front seat?
In traffic x

I know you want to be told about me. But after reading that list of things you posted... I have to ask 2 questions; 1. Are you real? and 2. Why are you single? They say if something is too good to be true, it usually is. What really caught my eye is that you are a kick ass baker. Having dinner ready for you is more than sexy, it's mandatory. Cooking is my passion (baking included). It might seem selfish of me to want to know to more about you without divulging info about me. Maybe you'll answer this email, I'd be more than happy to tell you all about me, but I'm way more interested in learning more about you.

I actually live right next to Sunnyside and have never been.

I am in Williamsburg and drive and would love an excuse to go to your neighborhood.

I am 32, a lawyer, over 6 feet tall, smart, sarcastic & funny.

Lets chat some more, I got a new car recently and am really thinking about the line about making out in the backseat :)

That last car comment seemed to get the most attention. A LOT of guys were interested in making #25 happen for me. How generous of them! The rest were pretty generic, some were blatantly solicitousness for some NSA action and then there were two gems. Two, honest to goodness gems. Which resulted in DATES. Craigslist was the best idea I'd had in forever! (Well, at least I thought so at the time....) <---foreshadowing alert!!

I replied to quite a few and eliminated most based on their pictures. The reasons ran the gamut of geriatric, slob, only including their torso in the picture (nice pecks dude!), creepy, next Craigslist killer, to just plain not interested.

The two gems I received deserve their own posts (to follow, clearly).

One night on Craigslist resulted in more action than match, eharmony and OKC put together. But, alas, quantity is not quality.

Recipe:

Seems like a random mix of ingredients that might make you go, whaaa? But it's bangin' and has potential to be amazing. So trust me, try it, just like my Craigslist ad - you might be surprised at what you get!

Tater Tot Casserole

1 lb Hamburger, brown with chopped onion. Place hamburger/onion mix in a greased casserole.
Mix 1 can Cream of Mushroom soup and 1/2 can of milk. Pour over hamburger. Top with 1/2 package of Tater Tots (or more.) Bake at 350 for approximately 1 hour (til bubbling and tater tots are browned.)

Not Quite Spicy Enough...

Low Sodium Taco Dude (LSTD) didn’t have a lot in the plus category before we actually met up for our date. He and I met on OKC back in November. He wooed me with discussions of Buffalo chicken wings, a topic I can probably talk about for longer than I should. After a few weeks of chatting online I told him that I wasn’t really interested in having a penpal. He agreed, not looking for a penpal. Awesome! Yay! But then he never pulled the trigger and asked me out.

So, um, if you don’t want to meet up, then wtf are we doing here? Since the timing was dead center in the holiday season, I decided to give him until the beginning of January to let his testes descend and find the balls to ask me out. He never did, so I just stopped responding. I know you could argue that I could have asked him out too, but honestly, as a female I want to be asked on the date. I feel that if he had actually had enough desire to see me, then he would have made plans to do so. So, I said next!

Fast forward to last month when I get an OKC AND gmail message from him. He was inquiring on whether I had recently taken the N train because he thought he saw me….no, sir, you did not. Good opener, though! For whatever reason I decided to give this dude another chance and *I* asked him if he wanted to meet up a few days later. We made plans to meet at 7p at a bar in his neighborhood. Around 645 he text saying that he was running about 10-15 minute late.

7:10p: I’m texting my friends trying to occupy myself

7:15p: I’m texting my friends that he has yet to arrive

7:20p: I’m texting my friends asking how long I have to wait before leaving

7:25p: I’m texting my friends saying this is bullshit and I’m ready to leave

7:27p: He texts me asking where the bar is

7:30p: I’m about to just leave because who arrives 30 minutes late and doesn’t even bother to look up where the bar is??

Color me not impressed. He rolled up 30 minutes late dressed in what can only be described as an outfit that was purchased in 1997. What am I trying to communicate? This dude wasn’t making an effort and to me, that’s pretty lame.

I somehow managed to survive around 2 and one half hours with him where I learned the highlight of his weekend was making low sodium tacos and going to bed by 9p. If that’s his idea of a rocking good time, him and I are not going to have a whole lot to talk about. When I tried to discuss the amazingness that is travel, he told me about his recent trip to Pittsburgh. Having never have visited Pittsburgh, I inquired as to what one would see while traveling there. He told me about a sandwich he had eaten. Now, I dont know enough about Pittsburgh to know whether there is *really* nothing to do besides eat sandwiches, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that LSTD was probably the problem, and NOT Pittsburgh.

LSTD wanted to go out again. I did not. Upon further examination, I have deciphered why the men I date once have such an opposing view of how the evening goes. He thought it went well enough to want to see me again. I wanted him to lose my number. Let me translate what happened.

me: So, do anything fun this weekend?

LSTD: oh…yeah…I made tacos! I made low sodium tacos!

me:

what I'm thinking: really? REALLY? THAT’S what you did on a Friday night?!

here’s what I’m actually saying with my chin on my hand, leaning forward to communicate interest: oh really? I LOVE tacos! Mexican is my favorite!

And therein lies my main issue. I feign interested when I should be trying to escape through the bathroom window. I did, however, excuse myself to go the bathroom and flag down our waitress asking for her to deliver the check.

I know this isn’t a baking recipe, but it just seems fitting.

Should you desire to make LST for yourself, here’s how it’s done:

Ingredients

1 tablespoon Chili Powder
2 teaspoons Onion Powder
1 teaspoon Ground Cumin
1 teaspoon Garlic Powder
1 teaspoon Paprika
1 teaspoon Ground Oregano

Directions

Mix all ingredients together. But don’t rub your eyes because you’ll be in pure misery, just like I felt like on my date.

Updated: Where I’ve been and the lessons I’ve learned

Talk about being lax in keeping this up to date! I can’t speak for Gentleman X or my lovely friend Mandy (because they have their own tales to tell), but I can keep you up to date on what’s been going on for me the last nine months.

Dating wise I have been on the following: OkCupid and Eharmony as well as being predominantly occupied by a certain male of the species (mentioned in this post )

As it would turn out, that was not nearly the end of that story line. There was quite a bit of back and forth and escalation of that relationship (and please note that I’m using relationship little “r” and not Relationship, because he was certainly never my BF). We were enjoying each other’s company, and I’ll let you fill in blanks of that one. This continued until October-ish when the aforementioned male met someone else and actually started officially dating her.

So that sucked.

What did I learn here? I learned that spending time with someone you work with (and thankfully we never actually worked together, because that would have made all of this THAT much worse) outside the work place, in a non-work form, really comes back to bite you in the ass when you don’t particularly want to see them on a day to day basis. Going to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee all of the sudden becomes a game of subterfuge. Cue the Mission Impossible theme music because I was skulking around corners hoping to not run into him.

Okay, it wasn’t that bad but it wasn’t awesome either. I wasn’t avoiding him because I was some sort of scorned female; I was avoiding him because I was PISSED. There was a lot that was said and I could elaborate at length, but I’ll just give you this one gem. While pointing to a car nearby, he commented, “You’re like this car. There’s nothing wrong with it; it just doesn’t have a sunroof….”

Color Me Mad for the worst analogy ever, but I couldn’t blame him for not feeling “it”.

Besides the “don’t dip your stick in the company ink” lesson, I also learned that timing is a bitch and sometimes it’s just not going to work.

So, truly, for the first time in almost two years, this dude isn’t in my orbit.

Let the dating commence.

Update: As an addendum to this post, I wanted to add that the three paragraph recount of what transpired is only one side of the coin. One can clearly not sum up an entirety of a situation in three paragraphs without omitting copious amounts of details. I do not mean to say, dear reader, that you're too thick to have assumed this on your own, I merely want to do due diligence in saying this is not a full story, and it's only my side. The End.

Recipe:

Boiling Water (we're going to start at the basics here people)

Find a pot (read: boy)

Fill it with water (read: go on a date)

Turn up the heat (read: let chemistry do its thing)

Watch it boil :)

The Crazies - Story #2

This episode of The Crazies is a little bit longer because this guy continued to send me messages. Here is his attempt to convince me he is not crazy. Fail.

Email Title: hello

Body: You were one of my quiver matches and i usually just glance at the little paragraph hit ignore and keep moving. for some reason i kept reading yours. i guess cause i saw you've been to n.o. and i wanted to see what you thought of it. but still i kept reading then i perused your pics and your eyes are amazing and your a very beautiful woman. I know you must hear that everyday from a million guys. i do think we have lots in common. i would love the opportunity to get to know you better. if anything at all a new chat buddy is great I'm really hoping to hear from you. but if not god bless and all my best wishes. personally i find it hard to see a pic and just start writing to it. i'm surprised i've written this much.
besos
alex

After this initial email, he repeatedly IMd me. Basically every.single.time I signed on. I never responded, which is why his persistence is somewhat remarkable.

Email title: hey dear
Body: My greatest ally and my greatest enemy.... Honesty.... I know that I've visited your page a few times. I've seen that you've visited mines. I would love to chat with you I do think your extremely beautiful and eloquent. I don't have mesmerizing blue eyes like you or a that smile that rivals the sun in its warmth. I can definitely guarantee good conversations and my complete honesty. I really don't come on ok cupid that much. Every now and then I pop in to see if I've been lucky enough to receive a message but usually not and it's kinda depressing to not get any. So I try and stay away for as long as I can then I get bored or lonely and pop in again. your probably asking yourself why is he telling me this. Again that honesty thing gets me. My reasoning is that maybe if I give her my face book info she'll contact me?? I know I know wishful thinking. Anyways I'm sorry for bothering you. While I would love to hear from you I understand that I am just one of the millions contacting you. I wish you all the best in your search. God Bless...

After THIS message, he continued to "wink" at me and saved me as one of his favorites, and yes, still continued to IM me. To be honest, I feel kinda bad about it.....

Nevertheless, desperation is a cologne that doesn't smell good on anyone.

The Crazies - Story #1

I feel the need to start a story thread here because lovely Mandy and I often swap stories of The Crazies that contact us. It's entertaining and therefore perfect fodder for this blog. These will be short little vignettes. A mere breath of a story. They're so compact but yet, oh so potent. Just like a SBD.

My most recent communication from OKC:

Email title: Ur the 1

Body: I think I'm in luv with u, everything on ur profile, I feel like I kno u, its seems weird but maybe in my past life u were my wife!

That's not crazy, not crazy at all.....

The Freak Flag

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been in contact with dudes on OKC. Here is my one large takeaway and piece of advice to the opposite sex.

We are all sexual beings (some more than others) and I understand that we all have our “things”. For me, I like hands. And broad backs. I like manly men. Rugby players and Paul Bunyons are right up my alley. There are boob men. And ass men. And men who like skinny girls, curvy girls, and everything in between. We all have our things, I get it. However, I don’t want to know your sexual proclivity within the first five minutes of chatting with you. That is not enough time. But it IS enough time for me to say, um, okay, you just flew your freak flag too soon aaaaaaaaaand Ima peace out now.

When I am IMd on OKC I usually respond when 1) I’m in the mood to :-/ (I know) and 2) your picture seems attractive to me on some level, and lastly 3) if you start of the conversation with some sort of compliment. This will at the very least elicit a “hey” back.

On a few separate occasions, I have been in conversation with a dude and it’s gone something like this:

Dude: you’ve got a beautiful smile. How’s your night going?

me: aw, thanks. :-) it’s going well, you?

Dude: blah blah blah, more flirting

me: teehee, flirt flirt

Dude: talk nonchalantly about how awesome I am

me: I find that very interesting!

Dude: (out of blue) will you send me a picture of your feet?

me: _______no response______

Dude: hello? Did I say something?

me: ______no response_______

Dude: so, no picture?

Dude: how about I come over and give you a foot massage?

or:

Dude: Hi….I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful

me: hey :-) thanks!

Dude: talking talking talking about something he’s seen in my profile

me: yeah, I’m half Canadian but I was born in the US

Dude: I love Buffalo! And chicken wings!

me: {thinking, ooooooo, I think I like this guy!} I have to warn you though, I’m a chicken wing snob….

Dude: (conversation segwaying into what we do professionally) I’m an “Ad Man”

me: I throw him some ad jargon to show I’m advertising savvy and interested in him

Dude: you know what I do! you’re brilliant!

me: :-)

Dude: tell me about your legs

me:{AW MAN! flew his freak flag, aaaaaaaand I’m done}

Ad Man had potential, and I would have definitely gone on a date with him. Incidentally, I did flirt with him a little bit longer and gave him my number, which he called and that I let go to VM. What can I say? I think of myself as a ’nice girl’, but no I’m not perfect. Why didn’t I pick up the phone when he called? Because he flew his freak flag too soon. It does not bother me that legs are his thing. Totally fine. But to bring it up on this medium and that soon, it just doesn’t jive with me.

I guess I’m looking for a little bit more of a gentleman. I, too, want a gentleman on the street but a freak in the bed -- as they say. Let’s fly our freak flags people, but in the right place and time. Just a thought. Incidentally, if you want to send me a picture of you that shows your non-hobbit-like hands, that would be okay too.

Online Dating. Free versus Paid.

Last summer I joined eharmony and dated (unsuccessfully) a few males. Over the winter I joined match.com and dated no one. Eharmony was really good at matching me up with people that I was compatible with, I simply didn’t have any chemistry with them……and the dudes on eharmony weren’t….um……..very attractive. On match.com, however, the profiles featured more attractive males, but I didn’t get the “success” that I did on eharmony. And after paying around $300 for my time on those sites I gave up on paying.

Paid sites discarded, I joined the masses on Okcupid.com. Here’s the lowdown on OKC. Pros: I get more traffic and contact on OKC than I did on the paid sites. Cons: when you click on someone’s profile and they’re online, they get a little notification that you’ve just looked at their profile. For whatever reason, I hate this. I do not want people knowing that I’m scoping them out. I know, it shouldn’t matter - it's a DATING site, but I hate this aspect of the site. I usually say an expletive out loud and immediately close the browser. This is how much I hate this site. Pro/Con: there is an IM feature. It’s a Pro in that it allows you to connect with someone immediately, it’s a Con in that I usually don’t feel like responding.

Remember how I just told you that someone can see that you’re checking them out? This is how it goes: I’m on the site, trolling for an attractive, non-crazy, hopefully employed, funny, interesting, non-self involved, intelligent man that hasn’t been snatched up yet and someone who is none of those things will IM me. But I need to click on their profile before I know this. So I do. And now they know I’ve checked them out. But I don’t want to talk to them. It’s just a basketful of uncomfortableness before I curse and close my browser.

Generalizations about people on OKC: the people on this site are more prone to be looking for someone to hook up than looking for someone to have a fruitful LTR with. Because of this I encounter many interesting men. And am IMd by them. And have quite a few interesting conversations with them (specific blog on this to come).

So, as I said in my last post, I am taking up the dating mantle again and giving online dating the ole college try. Paid sites out, free site in. And oh, its just as entertaining out there as ever!

Recipe:

Hang around your office meeting rooms around 2pm where you are bound to find free food leftover from lunch meetings. The food might be a little slimy, but at least it's free.

Dating with a Dash v2.0

Well, hello there! I bet you thought this blog was defunct, but you were wrong! Like the winter season, we were in hibernation but now we’re back with a vengeance! The summer months are quickly approaching, leaving us with the desire to get out there and explore not just the city, but the dating world as well.

You will notice a few changes to the blog, however. Once a trio of ladies, we are now down by one. Ms. Kelly has entered the realm of having a Plus One and will no longer be a contributor to this illustrious blog. She has found her Significant Other by the hand of yours truly and I take all credit for making this match happen. Male or Female, I full out expect them to name their first child Emily. Secondly, we will be introducing a male contributor! Gentleman X will be blogging occasionally and I think a male perspective here will be welcome and………interesting. J

Those are the updates here at Dating with a Dash of Salt. We’ll be posting new entries soon!

Dating, but Not.

I haven't been on a "date" in a while. Hence, the silence. I haven't been dating because 1) eharmony was exhausting and not fruitful, and 2) I was crushin' on someone else. It's funny how much clearer things are when you're on the other side of them. In the thick of this, I could not see the forest through the trees. Now, I'm hitting the clearing and seeing, wow, I just wasted a lot of time on that.

I was told from the outset that this male was not interested in a relationship. I did not listen. I guess I kinda figured that after an appropriate amount of time, he would get over the ex, realize that I was amazing....and, well, choose me. He did not. But strangely enough, it's okay.

I'd been in this weird purgatory of not knowing where we stood since we were friends.... but not just friends. Last week I did what every adult woman does. I got wasted by myself and wrote him a long incoherent email. I am very mature. We eventually discussed the e-mail and while, kindly, he did not come out and say the words, "I do not like you. Because, you smell." he didn't need to. Sometimes silence says what words do not.

As much as I thought hearing (or not hearing) that phrase would suck, it didn't. I feel surprisingly better. Freer. Now that I know that this will never become more than it is/was, I can look forward. Perhaps I should have tried my drunken tactics a few months ago.

me: "Hey! You! You're rad, I like you!"

him: "oh, yeah, about that....."

me: "oh, really? huh. Okay, good to know"

The End.

And now I can move on. I don't know if it's back to online dating or what my next tactic will be. But hey, it's a new year and now I'm not reserving part of myself in denied hope that this was going to become something.

Here's to fresh starts!

Lemon Meringue Pie (because it's sweet, tart, and FRESH!)

Ingredients

Lemon Filling:

• 4 egg yolks (reserve whites for meringue)
• 1/3 cup cornstarch
• 1 1/2 cups water
• 1 1/3 cups sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1/2 cup lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon finely grated lemon zest
• 1 (9-inch) pre-baked pie shell
• 1 recipe Meringue, recipe follows

Directions

Adjust the oven rack to the middle position. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

Whisk egg yolks in medium size mixing bowl and set aside.

In a medium saucepan, combine cornstarch, water, sugar, and salt. Whisk to combine. Turn heat on medium and, stirring frequently, bring mixture to a boil. Boil for 1 minute. Remove from heat and gradually, 1 whisk-full at a time, add hot mixture to egg yolks and stir until you have added at least half of the mixture.

Return egg mixture to saucepan, turn heat down to low and cook, stirring constantly, for 1 more minute. Remove from heat and gently stir in butter, lemon juice, and zest until well combined. Pour mixture into pie shell and top with meringue while filling is still hot. Make sure meringue completely covers filling and that it goes right up to the edge of the crust. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes or until meringue is golden. Remove from oven and cool on a wire rack. Make sure pie is cooled completely before slicing.

Meringue Topping:

• 4 egg whites
• 1 pinch cream of tartar
• 2 tablespoons sugar

Place egg whites and cream of tartar in the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment. Beat egg whites until soft peaks form and then gradually add sugar and continue beating until stiff peaks form, approximately 1 to 2 minutes. Use to top lemon filling.

Yield: topping for 1 (9-inch) pie

The Middle and The End

Ok. Where were we? Ah, the tales of Boy #1. After he molested my face I scurried home and debriefed the date with my roommate and closest friends. They all screamed, squealed, laughed and mostly responded, "oh nOOO!", when I told them about the end of the date. Overall consensus from my friends? Do not date him. But either I'm glutton for punishment or simply have a hard time saying no (which is evidenced by the fact that I literally let him kiss me merely because I didn't want to hurt his feeling), because I somehow ended up on a second date with him.

He text me the day after our first date; I hesitated about responding because I wasn't sure if I was going to go out with him again. I text back nonchalantly. He emailed the next day. I did not respond. Then I left for a 10 day vacation.

I vowed to keep my blackberry off; I was not successful. I turned on my phone and there was a text from him! Again, I didn't respond. He emailed me the day before I was supposed to return home....I waited, and then responded. Since a good two weeks had passed since our first date, I must have blocked out all the bad stuff because I agreed to meet up with him for a lunch date.

I figured that a lunch date would be best because there was a definitive start and end, and there would be no (hopefully) awkward kissing at the end. (Can you sense the foreshadowing here?) I told him to meet me at my office at noon and we'd go somewhere close. I made an appointment to give blood at 1 p.m. and asked a coworker/friend to meet me in order to, again, avoid any awkward PDA.

He walked up, tried to kiss me hello.....in front of my office building....during the work day. Yeah.....no. I deflected to the cheek and hugged him. We went to lunch and conversation was fine, but nothing remarkable. I started to feel like I could say anything and it wouldn't matter. He was staring at me like a magpie stares at sparkle-y things. Our hour ended and we walked back to my building so I could give blood. My coworker/friend arrived and as I went to say good bye....his face came towards mine again. Really? REALLY?!

I seriously was feeling some disbelief. I didn't let him kiss me hello, so what made him think I was going to let him kiss me good-bye in front of my coworker?? Again, I deflected but he kinda tried to move his mouth over mine. Clearly this boy wasn't reading my body language very well.

Now it was his turn to leave for a week. Unlike our time apart where he continually contacted me, I did not contact him. I realize while typing this that clearly I didn't have enough interest in this boy. So you may be wondering why I continued to date him..... Well. I believe that chemistry can build. And he was sweet! And. Well. He Liked me. Clearly.

He returns from his sojourn and I asked him to hang in my neighborhood. I figured that maybe we needed some time to just "hang". Some no-pressure, not date-y type time. I asked him to come to Queens (realizing later how this might be construed).

He arrived with flowers. Very sweet. And here is where I will elicit your judgement. They were ugly. It was akin to a $2 bouquet. One carnation and some dyed daisies. And I KNOW how this sounds. It makes me sound stuck up and ungrateful. I'm just trying to be honest here - and here's the thing; if I really liked this boy, I would have (probably?) thought they were the best flowers ever! But in the moment I thought, um, if we're in the woo-ing stage and this is all you're bringing to the table, where does it go from here?

We ate. We conversed. Again, I was not impressed by anything coming out of his mouth. You know that feeling you get when you're talking to an eight year old and they're telling you about their friend Jimmy's pet frog and you don't really care about the frog or the story, but they're so excited that you're happy to listen? That's what talking to him was like.

After an hour and a half I was already thinking up reasons to tell him he had to go. We decided to walk around the neighborhood and as we left the apartment, he didn't reach to bring his manbag with him. I thought, great, crap, now we're going to have to come BACK to the apartment!! Grr. (again, not a good sign).

We walked around for around an hour, no magic, no sparks. I told him I had plans that evening and had to start getting ready soon. Hint hint. I think he took that hint to mean, let's go into Manhattan together. Either that or why don't you hang here while I get ready? Um, not what I meant.

Back at the apartment I gave him the "it's time for you to go" stance. He wanted to make out. So I made rambling conversation. I tend to get a bad case of verbal vomit when I'm nervous. Well, I'm pretty verbose to begin with, but it gets worse when I'm nervous. Much worse. He tried to make plans to see me again and I start rambling on and on about what I've got going on and he's staring at me with this puppy dog look on his face that's screaming, why are you blowing me off?

So I tell him I'll be in touch tomorrow to let him know what my week is looking like. He goes to kiss me again. And licks my face. Chin to nose, licks me, trying to gain entrance. I think he was never told that it's lips first, then tongue. I pull back, and make things wonderfully, horribly awkward. I tell him that I just, I, um, I (clasp hands) need some....time.

He responds, I can wait....

Crap. He thinks I mean something else. Why do I do this to myself?!

So he goes for the door, I thank him for coming out to Queens, I thank him for the flowers. And then because I'm the queen of mixed signals, I kiss him good-bye. But I felt badly! He just looked so downtrodden.....

After much thought and insight from the two other ladies on this blog, I realize that if I really truly liked him, I'd be making time for him in my schedule and that perhaps the only thing I liked about him, was that HE liked me. True. Nail to the heart. I needed to end this.

So I bite the bullet and send him an email the next day. An honest email. I say that I realized that if I felt differently about him, that I'd be clearing my schedule to see him and that he was too sweet of a guy for me to set false expectations. That it'd been nice getting to know him and that I hoped he finds what he's looking for.

He emails back immediately saying that he'd be lying if he didn't tell me he was starting to feel the same way, wondering why I wasn't making time for him. That he, too, wished the best for me and hoped I would find what I was looking for.

And that's exactly why I dated him for as many times as I did. He was sweet. A really nice, sweet guy. He'd be the perfect boyfriend; always there for you, gives you space when you need it, doesn't wait to call/text/email, doesn't play games. But you have to account for chemistry, of which we had none. And that, is the bottom line. Chemistry can make you overlook a closet full of flaws, imperfections and annoyances. Chemistry is what makes bad relationships hard to walk away from and takes good relationships to the horizon. But, without chemistry all you're left with is a face licker and sad flowers.

Recipe: Molten Chocolate Cake

note: Use bittersweet chocolate. Cake is bittersweet and looks delicious, but when you bite into it, all you'll find is wetness.

1/2 cup (113 grams) unsalted butter, cut into pieces

6 ounces (170 grams) semi sweet or bittersweet chocolate, cut into small pieces

3 large eggs, separated

1/3 cup (65 grams) granulated white sugar

1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar

1 tablespoon (15 grams) granulated white sugar

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C) and place rack in center of oven. Generously butter 4 - 3/4 cup (180 ml) molds, ramekins, or custard cups and dust the insides with granulated white sugar. Place the prepared molds on a baking sheet and set aside while you make the cake batter.

In a stainless steel bowl suspended over a saucepan of simmering water, melt the butter and chocolate. Remove from heat and set aside while you whip the egg yolks.

In your electric mixer beat the egg yolks and 1/3 cup (65 grams) sugar untilthick, pale, and fluffy. (When you slowly raise the beaters the batter will fall back into the bowl in slow ribbons.) Beat in the vanilla extract and then fold in the melted chocolate mixture.

In another clean bowl whip the egg whites until frothy. Add the cream of tartar and continue to whip until soft peaks form. Gradually add the 1 tablespoon of granulated white sugar and whip until stiff peaks form. With a rubber spatula or wire whisk gently fold the beaten whites into the chocolate mixture, just until incorporated. Do not over mix or the batter will deflate. Divide the batter between the prepared molds, filling each about 3/4 full. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes or until the outside edges of the cakes are set but the middle still looks a little wet and wobbly. You may have cracks on the top surface of the cakes.

Immediately remove from oven and let them rest for a minute or two. Run a palette or sharp knife around the edge of each cake and then invert onto the center of each serving plate. Carefully remove the mold. Sprinkle the top of each cake with confectioners sugar and place a dollop of softly whipped cream, clotted cream, creme fraiche, or vanilla ice cream on top of each warm cake.

Note: You can prepare the batter several hours ahead of time. Simply make the recipe, pour into the prepared molds, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate. Bake just before serving. When the batter is cold the cakes may take a minute or two longer to bake.

Makes 4 - 3/4 cup (180 ml) individual cakes.

PDA: When is it Appropriate?

I'll give eharmony credit; both boys the site matched me up with I found myself compatible with. But chemistry there was not. Here is the story of Boy #1, (which I mentioned in my initial blog about online dating).

B#1 and I were matched in the beginning of July and went through the communication stages very quickly. I liked his profile but didn't love his pictures, but had previously decided to keep an open mind. He was funny, the emails were long. He offered up his personal email address, I offered up mine. A few days later he gave me his phone number, I asked if he wanted to meet. He did; enthusiastically.

We decided to meet for dinner on a Monday. I told him I worked in Midtown East, he chose two restaurants in my neighborhood. So, he was funny AND considerate! Bonus. He made reservations for 6:15 and asked if I wanted to meet for drinks before dinner? That seemed okay with me; I thought it was a good sign that he thought we had enough to talk about to do drinks AND dinner.

The day of the first date arrived. I stood there waiting for him, and around the corner he comes. I'll admit it, I was slightly disappointed in what was grinning back at me. But! I'm a big supporter in letting chemistry and attraction build and I liked what he put on the table thus far, the date had begun, so I settled in for the evening. When we moved from drinks to dinner, it started to rain and I of course did not have an umbrella. He pulls his out and covers me with it....funny, considerate AND a gentlemen!

We eat dinner, conversation is fine but I'm looking at him thinking: do I want to kiss this guy at the end of the evening? Hmm....err, I....dont....think I do. Dinner ends and he asks what I'm doing, he's having a good time, do I want to get a drink? At this point I could have taken or left the drink, but because I have a difficult time saying no, I say yes. We head over to a pub I frequent after work.

We get some beers, continue our conversation. Drink our beers, I say it's time to head out. As we walk to Grand Central he tries to set up plans to see me again this week before I leave for vacation but I felt like two dates in one week was too much, so I make excuses. We walk down to the subway...and this next part happens so quickly.....

I'm pointing to the entrance to the 7 Train saying, "well, that's me...."
He's saying, "please let's do this again", and then his face is coming towards mine....and I'm thinking, okay, a kiss is fine....and then his tongue is in my mouth....!!

I pull back and he says, "please...?" and again I don't know how to say no, so then I'm letting him kiss me. In public. In Grand Central Station. For an extended period of time. And it's not good.

He's jabbing my mouth with his tongue and then the internal monologue starts; "oh my god! I am making out in Grand Central Station! In the subway! Where everyone can see me! OH MY GOD I am THAT girl!! ....jesus, this dude is going to kiss me for as long as I let him."

So I pull back and he says, "let's do this again, please...."

I say good-night and scurry away....then I wipe my chin three times because there is slobber on it.

Now what do I do?? The date was fine except for the last 10 minutes....I would definitely had said yes to a second date but now wasn't so sure....what happened in the subway was, for me, on the aggressive side and the desperation on his face when he said please was.....kinda concerning.

Plus side: sweet, funny, considerate, gentlemen (strike that, after the tongue-rape, not so much). Con side: potentially too horny for his own good, lack of chemistry.

And so ends my first date with B#1.

Recipe: Beef Tongue

It's expensive, but there are no bones - it's all meat.

1 (2-3 lb) beef tongue

1/4 tsp. oregano

1/2 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. marjoram

1/4. tsp summer savory

Rinse tongue. Place in pressure cooker. Add water to cover. Add the remaining ingredients. Pressure cook 1 hour at 10 or 15 pounds. Remove from pan and allow to cool enough to handle. Remove connective tissues and skin. The skin should come off easily. Cut into 1/4 inch slices across it's length. At this point, the meat can be used as you desire.

Life Lesson: Staring is an Artform

So thanks to eharmony I connect with Boy #2. I have decided to let these men remain nameless and for simplicity's sake, number them by their number in my dating timeline (the story of boy #1 will come later as I ended my dating adventure with him AFTER boy #2).

B#2 and I were matched in December, started going through the process in February and started emailing in April. I liked his profile because it was well written and complete, even though I found some of his profile pictures comical (there was a middle school-esque head tilt with the hand on the chin, thoughtfully pondering pose). I had started travelling for work at this point and we did not email frequently. And I have to admit, I wasn't super excited about him in general so that was certainly one of the reasons I didn't care we weren't very frequent in our communications.

At the end of July my subscription to eharmony was coming to a close and I wasn't super thrilled with my matches or the price for love, so I decided to let my membership lapse. But I didn't want to shut out the work I had already put in with B#2, so I emailed him and said hey, my subscription is lapsing, here's my personal email address. He emailed me back immediately. I was leaving the country for about ten days later that day so I emailed him back saying, hey! thanks for the email, this is gonna be short but let's catch up when I return.

Fast forward to returning from my vacation. I didn't actually get back to him immediately (see my lack of enthusiasm from before), but received an email from him at the end of the week asking how my vacation went, etc. I was (pleasantly) surprised by his initiative. We emailed a bit and I went in for the kill. I mean, really, we've been in contact since April - what's the hold up??

I email him and say, hey! How'd ya fancy meetin' up sometime? (okay, not in those words). He responded affirmatively and we made plans for Tuesday after work. We spent the next few days chatting over gchat IM -- he and I work in the same field so we always had some conversational thread. Our emails back and forth were long and thorough. I was beginning to like this boy.

Tuesday rolls around and I get nervous. Very, very nervous. My good friend and coworker takes pity on my boyfriendless soul and goes to dinner (with drinks) with me before the 6:45 date.

On my way over to the bar I get a text from him: "headed over now, do you want to meet out front? I'm wearing a white button down shirt, jeans and a black messenger bag".

my response: "I'll be there in less than five. See you out front!"

Oh god. Nerves.

I stroll up the The Australian and there he is. As a side note, it's very strange to meet up with someone you've been chatting with for weeks (months!), seen pictures of, but never met. I approach him and say hello, and he kinda just stands there so I take the initiative and say, shall we?

We enter the bar, there is no seating. And in the only act of decidedness he takes all evening, he says, "let's stand over here" and chooses a location. We get drinks and alas, I order a hard cider than came in this gigantic bottle. So, I have two drinks to his one.

We start talking and in less than five, he's staring at my boobs. Not a subtle, I could be checking out something else, but a flicker down, linger, flicker up, flicker down, lingerrrrrrrrrr, flicker up. Oh, and repeat that. About 20 times. At this point I am actually chuckling in my head. I'm amused because it's SO ridiculous. I mean, I get it. I have boobs. Fairly large boobs. Glorious boobs!! But there is an art to checking someone out while not making them aware of it. He has yet to master that skill. This continues all evening. Not awkward at all.

Meanwhile, he finishes his drink but I still have mine and he's not making any motion to go get another one. And so I start to feel awkward that I'm drinking and he's not.....but he's not taking the initiative to just.go.get.one!

About 45 minutes into the date this woman at the cocktail table next to us approaches us to give us her extra seats. I try to decline because I don't want to settle into the evening with this Boob Starer. We wind up allowing her to pawn off her extra seats, she introduces herself to us as Lisa and says:

Lisa: "So what's going on here? How do you know each other?"
Me: "Actually.....this is our first date"
Lisa: "really!! is it a dotcom?"
Me: "yes, it is actually"
Lisa: "which one?"
Me: "eharmony"
Lisa: "oh yeah, I've done that too. I'm on chemistry.com. And you know how it is (elbows me) you gotta kiss alotta frogs before you meet a good one! pause - So, how's it going? (and points to B#2).
Me: "oh, um, well I haven't run screaming out the door just yet!"
Lisa: (asking B#2) "What's up with your face? Your facial hair....can you explain that to me? Because that's not in style!"

B#2 looks at me for direction and I just shrug my shoulders at him (because honestly, I am really enjoying the amazingness of this situation). He explains that he grew out sideburns and decided to grow some mutton chops.

Lisa: "oh, no! You would look so much better with out it! You should shave it off!" Looking at me - "what do YOU think? because THAT'S what really matters"

Me: "well, um, I think its personal preference. Whatever works for him is fine"

At this point, Lisa approaches B#2 and puts her hands on his face, covering his mutton chops and says how much better he'd look without them. He wears his hair slightly long and she places her hands on his head, pushing the hair back, saying how much better he'd look if he cut his hair.

Lisa: "Oh, yeah, totally. Shave that, cut this. You'll look SO MUCH BETTER!"

The whole while, he's looking at me for direction and I'm not helping him. I'm much too amused to want this to end and Lisa is saying everything that that little voice in your head wants you to say, but you don't.

Lisa leaves and I tell him that I feel badly that I'm still drinking while he's not, thus giving him permission to go get another drink. So he does. Lisa returns.

Lisa: "How's it going?"
Me: "meh"
Lisa: "yeah, I can tell he's not the one for you"

Oh, Lisa. How right you are.

We manage to converse for another hour or so before I am very ready to go home. Again, I'm the one that takes charge, and say, it's time to go. We walk to the end of the street where I tell him I'm headed to Bryant Park, he tells me he's headed to Port Authority. He stands there and stares at me, clearly unknowing how to handle the situation. So...um...I take charge. I hug him good-bye. I say: thanks for coming out! it was nice to meet you! get home safe!

I walk away.

35 mins later I receive a text saying what a pleasure it was to meet me, how nice of time he had, hoped I got home alright. In an effort to not be a total bitch, I respond: thanks, have a great night!

He texts the next day, I chicken shit the situation and do not respond.

Recipe: Plain Baked Chicken

2 large chicken breasts
salt
pepper

Reach out and grab the chicken, massaging the salt and pepper into the meat.

Bake at 325 degrees for 30 minutes, or until there is no life left in them.